START
23 days to 23: A Birthday Series Day 5
I tore six pages out of my notebook to get the feelings of this word out of my head, I used one week plus to write it. I stopped writing on the seventh page and started writing on my phone note. “Maybe the feelings will gush out of my head”, that’s what I thought.
I used to have triggers from hearing this word, “Start”, I think I got the reality check from my nurses and doctors when they pulled me out of my mom, turned me upside down and had to be so loud and chatty with me telling me to “start” crying. Why? Something about “the cry of a child is the joy of everyone” I’m crying and you’re happy? They could have as well told me to start singing. Now I do the same to other children who have been pulled out of their moms “respectfully”.
I felt pressured (got one feeling out > progress) from hearing the word and I hated that feeling so much I did anything other than start (but I cried when I came out of my mom). Perhaps, I was being so lazy to “start” something or anything. It was like a grieving process for me. Let me explain my stages of grief in this context.
First, I denied success on a whole level. I walked myself away from opportunities to start anything. I let myself believe I would fail or rather I let myself see the fails I would make if I tried to “start” something. This was the stopping point for me and I was comfortable in and with it.
Secondly, I got angry whenever I started something that did not turn out well. What was the point?
Thirdly, I tried to make a 50-50 deal on whether or not I should start and what I would gain from it
Fourthly, I gave up many times and got depressed I probably made up my mind sometime never to start something that would stress me so much again.
On the 28th of December last year (2024), I wrote “Oyinkansola, you need to start accepting that you can do whatever you put your mind to and that it will be fruitful because you have backing (God), if you don’t take yourself seriously, no one will”.
Maybe starting was never the problem. Maybe I wanted to start something but I was too proud to admit that I was scared (another feeling ha!). And that’s where commitment comes in. Doing even when you don’t feel like it.
Remember how I said I tore six pages of my notebook to get this out? I took three more days to write this. It’s not complete enough but I started it.
This is Day 5 of my birthday series! (Way behind because this one took too long). Will update the other days!
From my heart and for the journey - Oyin 💕