When better days come…

23 days to 23: A Birthday Series Day 4

I’ll be happy. I believe in “better days are coming”, it has been my hope for a new and exciting future and a reminder that life has much more to offer me. Recently, however, I think there’s much more to better days than waiting and hoping for it. I came across a very outdated writing of mine from two years ago which has unconsciously been imprinted into my memory.

“The strong urge I’ve been having nowadays,
When I finally start living, I’ll be at peace with my inner man. 
For now, I still have to live for peoples dreams and expectations and probably not disappoint them, 
With every step I take towards achieving theirs, 
Living the life I envisioned becomes unyielding.”
dated: Nov. 20, 2023 at 12:50pm. 

Two years ago this made sense to me, reading along the lines now and noting how incomplete it seems, embarrassment is nothing short of how I feel. This is the kind of story I like to hide.

One mistake I made was waiting for better days to come meet me. I made no attempt to create better days for myself instead I kept moving better days forward. That is where I introduce delayed gratification to you all. Delayed gratification was my core motivation for long term success and personal goals. I started making plans for the future by saving pictures of food, books, shoes, perfumes, and other things for “when the time comes”.

I delayed pictures - taking for when the acne on my face disappears. When I took pictures, I hid them in my picture gallery waiting for the days I would do a before and after of the pictures.

I delayed pain and tears for when I finally got into therapy.

I delayed cooking good food for when I finally got a kitchen to myself.

I delayed outings for when I finally got nice outfits and delayed wearing nice outfits for when I finally got my dream body (why did I stop going to the gym now?)

I delayed my writings for when I finally got my dream gadgets.

I delayed creating contents for when I finally got the content life.

And then I saved every penny I made (maybe not every penny) to have that life I’ve been “envisioning”.

I’ve never regretted saving my money or taking pictures I don’t post but I regret fast-tracking the results without actualizing my life. It had gotten to a stage where I didn’t realize what I was doing anymore. I had started blanking out in present moments but I never saw myself in a well planned future. It was like living in the in-between of life. I thought better days will come in my mid-twenties as I had “envisioned” and I know I’m not the only one who thought that way.

Don’t get me wrong here, delayed gratification I believe is a discipline for self control but what happens when you practice delayed gratification out of control?

When delayed gratification got the best out of me, ladies and gentlemen I took to impulse buying.

“My wrist, stop watchin′, my neck is flossy

Make big deposits, my gloss is poppin’

You like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it

I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it, yeah”

I became mini Ariana ha!

“Ain’t no budget when I’m on the set,

If I like it, then that’s what I get, yeah”

I started offloading my screenshots and pinterest fantasies to reality. To me I was closing in on better days but I was farther away than ever. I ruthlessly purchased everything I could.

“Think retail therapy my new addiction…

…They say, “Which one?”, I say, “Nah, I want all of ‘em”

I really became mini Ariana for the most part of my early twenties. I don’t know which is worse between delayed gratification and impulse buying but I had to stop both.

I once got a pair of beautiful slippers heels (out of impulse) that I loved so much. I planned to wear them for an event in mid-November but at that very moment, I thought “what would happen if I wore it now?” I did wear it that day for another event and I felt so good and confident in them. Even Demi Lovato said “what’s wrong with being so confident?”

As happy as I was and still am, the slippers are still accumulating dust in my space because I’ve not had anywhere else to wear them to or rather because I don’t think I want to wear them anyhow to just any event. I don’t regret getting them though.

As much as I want to dwell on these, I’ve learnt so far not to wait for better days but to be grateful even when it’s not better yet, and to also make the coming days look good till they get better!

To better days ahead, I’m coming!

This is Day 4 of writing.

From my heart and for the journey, to be ever present - Oyin 💕

A picture I’ve had since Feb. 18th, 2024. (hidden)